My un.....somewhat controllable life.

I've been reading a friends blog lately and it has inspired me to write again. I used to write about once a week and it was mostly just random stuff including rants but as I look back I see some of it was very meaningful. I pulled old blogs up to compare myself from what I was then and where I am now. I also pulled them up for a little push. At the time I had thought my punctuation, my spelling, my attitude, my judgment, my goals, my life was all perfect. Today I would like to think the same but I know there will always be room for improvement and I welcome it. I have matured tremendously yet I manage to keep a child like attitude towards the world.

This below blog is from October 26th, 2004. At the time I had no idea I'd be getting married on that same exact day in nine years to someone I hadn't even met yet. Most of all, I had no idea I'd fall off the wagon of sobriety and my life would take a horrible downward spiral, again. My will power was strong then and it's even stronger today. However, I could not predict the future then and I can't predict it now. I'm happy to be closing in on five years of sobriety this go round and below is a simple reminder of how things can always turn bad no matter how much you try to control them.

My Rants- 1Year Sober
10/26/2004 10:04:00 PM
"So a year ago today I was sitting in the hospital wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I knew I was in a wreck of some kind the night before but had no idea what was going on. After gathering my thoughts I came to a conclusion. I had blown a tire while I was drunk on my ATV. The point being, I was in the hospital because I was a severe alcoholic. There was no other reason I was in there except for drinking. People often ask if it was the tire that caused the wreck. Well, yea it was the tire but the alcohol drove me to the scene of the crash. Now I sit here in my apartment one year sober to the day. It would be a lot different if someone had hit me and I was injured. The fact of the matter is I am the one that did it to myself. I bought the coat and it's cold out so I will wear it. The time has past somewhat fast. Yea there have been hard times here and there. Parties by the lake during the day, celebrations, New Year's Eve, my birthday, and the list goes on. A few months back I would tell people I was not allowed to drink because of probation. Very true but deep down inside I was fighting a battle to overcome an addiction I had taken to the edge. I guess you could say I jumped off when I got there. Now as days pass I find myself telling people I don't drink when offered a beverage. Do I miss drinking? Well, I'm not going to lie, yea there are times I do. That's not the main question here though. The question is do I miss the life I used to live. Not a single bit. Drinking took me to places I have never been and never want to go back to. Some of the most severe include five DUI's and disorderly intoxication with aggravated assault. I hurt many feelings of those I loved and still do love. I kicked the front door right out of the jam at my parents new home. Went as far as telling my mother to fuck off. I look back at all these things and don't see the man that I was raised to be. These are the things I never want to see again. Now it's nice to go out at night and know I am going to sleep in my own bed later and not some cot in a cell.

Back around February I told myself I might have a drink after I hit one year of sobriety. All I wanted then was one year. Well, the year is up. I have never felt better in my life. That's not just something I tell myself either. So what is one more year then. The feeling is one of a child when he or she saves up many pennies. When you accumulate a lot you are proud of them and want to get more. You don't think about spending it because you can't grasp the concept of money in general. You just know to yourself five pennies are better then one nickel. More is better in some cases. Just work it like I have been. Days turn into months and into years. I have all these things to be proud of now so why waste them.

Recovered alcoholic I am not. There is no such thing. I'm recovering each day that goes by. Some seek help and others attend meetings. Determination and pure will power is how I achieve my goals and will continue to do so. If it takes me dying a sober man to win my battle, well then I wish the addiction the best of luck. I am not here to tell one that drinking is bad. To each is own. Drinking is a privilege in life. Someone should be able to go out and enjoy themselves after a job is done. I on the other hand enjoyed myself around the clock. Getting drunk is what I did best. I never hit rock bottom, I landed there slowly and built a house. I am driven by myself to do better each day and will continue to reach the unreachable goals in life. My Rants-1 Year Sober. M.W.C."